sponginess

Carys has discovered the squidgy, spongy, pokiness of her tummy. She can officially 'pinch an inch'. The health visitor assures me that she is in proportion, so not to worry. I think I have a hang up about her weight, and about things I have been reading about that says an overweight toddler will grow up with a weight problem and be an overweight adolescent, and then adult. I don't want that for her.


You worry constantly about those you care about; your kids, husband, families, friends, friends of firends, the lady on the commercial whose advertising that perfume, the little children on the NSPCC commercials etc... So maybe I take it a bit too far! P calls me a worry wort.



I'm afraid that is rubbing off on Adam. He is really sensitive. The smallest thing will worry him. He's battling with his Oedepus complex at the moment and I so want him to grow up with a well balanced psyche and not 'mess with his head'. (You can tell I am studying psychology!)


The content of the blog is my thoughts and feelings ... .. you probably won't understand them.. i jump from topic to topic and one sentence might have no correlation to the sentence before it...

We need to find a way to channel stress and worry in this house without an outward show of emotion, but are we doing more damage to ourselves by not showing that emotion? I think we have to look for help. All is not well in the Doherty household. Our marriage is in trouble or will be if we can't sort it out, we are having problems communicating, I worry about the levels of stress P is under, he keeps everything so tightly controlled that he is going to pop. I worry he has no one to talk to. He keeps everything hidden away. I worry I have no one to talk to. I worry we take things out on each other and this starts the cycle again. He buries things away a bit deeper, I express a bit louder. I worry about the social development of our children considering we both have major issues ourselves. I worry about showing unconditional love. I worry my inability deal with my feelings of guilt. I worry that I do feel guilty. I worry that P will make himslef ill. I worry about whether people like me or not. I worry that P is unable to express his feelings of love. I worry about spending so much time worrying about other people that I can't sort out the worry's pertaining to my own family. I worry about keeping everyone happy and talking to each other. I worry about family dynamics. I worry about the state of the non nuclear family system in Britain and my inability to stop comparing it to one which is ideal in my own head. I worry that my expectations are too high. I worry about doing more harm than good in my chosen profession. I worry about making things worse for P. Of being a barrier rather than a partner? I worry that I will not be able to learn the skill of switching off (in my chosen profession). I sooo need to learn that one sooner rather than later.

I worry why admitting we are in dire need of something makes me feel ashamed. That we are opening ourselves up to criticism. That we have had a shameful secret kept from the world around us. These feeligns are unwarranted I know, but are there nonetheless.


Explaining our feelings to ourselves is difficult enough, especially when there is no rhyme or reason in them, trying to explain them to someone else so that they can understand is that much harder. My feelings are my feelings, my interpretations of myself and the way I see things, there is no right or wrong....just emotions to work through. P would probably have a whole different view.